I thought I’d expound a bit on my last post – mainly because the song came on again today and, yet again, I stopped at that line – “Your value is a question of identity.” I’ve started thinking lately about happiness – where it comes from, how you get it, why some people have it in abundance while others severely lack it. I certainly don’t think this is the singular answer, but I think it’s a big part of it – how you identify yourself, how your see yourself.
For a long time, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror. When I did, I didn’t like the person looking back at me. And it wasn’t even completely related to my physical appearance – I didn’t like who I was, where I was going, what I was doing. The person looking back at me wasn’t the me I wanted to see. But for a while, I had just accepted where I was – I became complacent and okay with mediocrity. It was also (probably not coincidentally) around the same time that I was drinking more – I mean, I wasn’t doing anything else with my life.
Let me be clear that I was not living a bad life. At that point, I had graduated college, I had a good job that paid well, I had a great reputation with my coworkers and friends. By no means was I a terrible human being, or living in the slums or even “roughing it.” But still, I had given up. I had stopped trying in life and was coasting.
Come to think of it, it may all have been related to the first half of the quote – thinking that my worth is something to be achieved. I had plans – things I wanted to achieve – by a certain time, and they all fell through (looking back, thank God they did!). When those things didn’t come to fruition, I gave up. And because they didn’t, I valued myself less based on not achieving those things, when the truth was that I hadn’t changed.
… hmm might have to make this a three-parter.